Hellsing Short Stories
by DarkestVampire
Summary: Short stories about Hellsing. From funny to serious, every pairing you want. I take every request you give me, as long as it isn t yaoi. I ll even write Hentai. For every review you ll get a new story. New chapters will be published every 1-3 days.
1. Marching

**Marching**

Disclaimer: I dont own Full Metal Jacket, nor i do own Hellsing. Althrough i think about makeing a fanfic where i own Seras... evil giggle

Alucard peeked over to his so-faithful flegling again while drinking some more wine... she was still hideing in her closet, exactly what she was doing for the last five hours.

Stupid woman. Stupid humanity. Stupid mercenarys and stupid Integra. As he remembered, it ended up like this all because she hired these morons in the first place... all because of her. All because of this damn heir of Arthur. Sometimes, he just wanted to cry. But then, he remembred that he was a male nosferatu, and males dont cry. At least not when females are around, even those as lowly as Police girl.

Five hours earlier... Pip was training with his men, like always.

„Captain, i request a song. Singing always cheers up the mood, you know." it came from one of the younger Geese. „Right, right.. allright. What shall we sing, then?" Pip asked, looking back to his soldiers.

A moment of silence followed... then, the Vice Captain raised his voice. „Did you see this one movie, Full Metal Jacket?" Another moment of silence... and Pip started to grin. „Alright then, that one should do, i guess."

And so, the Wild Geese began to sing while marching around the training area.  
„_I dont know but i've been told, an Eskimo´s_..." Pip stopped, and so did the Rest, looking at him questionly.

„Guys, i dont think Eskimos are a good topic if were dealing with Vampires."

Vice Captain nodded. „Yeah, its crappy in this situation. My bad."

„Naw, it aint too bad, but we should fix those lyrics. Lets just say _Vampires_ instead of _Eskimos_. Kay? Lets try that."

The Wild Geese agreed, and so, they went singing again.

„_I don´t know but i´ve been told, an Vampire´s pussy is mighty cold_..."

One of the Geese began to laugh. „Yeah, yeah, they must be, being so coldheartedly. Remember that girl who..." Pips fist almost hit his face. „Yes, we know. Thats why i suggested that. An revenge for my broken nose."

They continued to march and sing, and eventually, Seras came to check up what this noise was about... shrieked, and went to hide in embaressment.

And thus, the Wild Geese mercenaries, and Alucard, of course, had a nice, long laugh that evening.


	2. Vampire Compassion

This one is for Paladin-kriss.

**Vampire Compassion**

**WARNING: YURI (Girl Sex) CONTENT**

Seras couldn't stand Alucards amused cries of argony anymore... she went down to her room, to avoid the Nosferatu being tortured for disobeydence.

Alucard had turned _yet another _girl, after saveing her from a bunch of ghouls... she still didnt get to talk to her.

Apperantly, she was in about her age, young, ignorant and naive. If she would at least know her, maybe they would become friends. But, of course, she was exausted, and thus, slept somewhere.

Seras didnt even know where.

She simply went to her room, just to sleep alittle and relax... but just as she arrived at her coffin, she noticed the girl sleeping inside of it.

After the first shock, Seras let out a long, annoyed sigh... why did these things always happen to her?!

She gently poked the brown haired girls side... and all she did was muttering something and rolling over.

Seras sighed and decided to get a bit rough. "Hey, wake up!"

The girl blinked, then quickly sat up at the glace of the attractive girl in front of her.

"Dont say anything.. theres only two reasons why you could be in my coffin. First, you got lost, second, you got bitten and laid here by a big, tall, scary man in red giving off such stupid phrases like "Do you want to live...?"" The last part Seras growled in a low voice, imitateing Alucard.

"T-the second it is." The girl answered her.

After another sigh, she patted the girls shoulder. "Welcome to the club, I was the forth one to be turned this way, as I remember, and now youre the fifth."

The girl blinked. "Wow, I guess that must suck."

"You bet it does." She sighed. "Im Seras, by the way."

"Kay."

"Eh?" Seras looked at her like she said something about being an alien

"Kay, thats my name."

"Oh.. okay. I thought youd say "okay" or something."

About ten minutes they either said a sentence or kept quiet... each with their own thoughts.

"Say, Seras... isnt vampireism all about sick erotic of some sort?" Kay finally asked.

"Eh? ...ehm... I..i guess.. " she stuttered, wondering about the sudden question.

"Oh? Thats nice then." Kay grinned at her, making her even more confused.

"W-w-what is it?" But before Kay answered, Seras was knocked over onto her coffin, her feet still on the ground.

An acheing pain went through her head after she realized shed hit the wall with her head somehow... but then, a bright blush flushed her cheeks as she also noticed that Kay had pulled down her undies.

"W-w-wait a s-second, wha...!" Her speech was interrupted by Kay´s tongue meeting up with her sensitive lips.

"You know, Seras... I really like being a vampire now..." Kay only spoke in the pauses, where her tongue had stopped slipping back and forth Seras´s most intimate area.

"H-hang on, Kay... just ... Ahh!" Again, her sentence was cut short, this time as Kay licked across her little clit.

"Just shut up and enjoy, will you?" she growled alittle, starting to lap up the juices that flowed out.

"..N-no, I.. cant.. shut up because...!" Serass words always were silenced by her desprate moans when Kay licked across one of her newfound sensitive areas.

"K-kay, please... im.. I... Nnngh!" A pressed moan came out as Kay began to suck on her clit, licking it wildly.

"Just say it, Seras, just say it... I dont mind." she said in a pause, before attacking her more wildly.

"Kay.. I.. I am... str...AH!" Serass insides tightened, and serval waves of pleasure went through her as she came hardly... Kay didnt stop to lick until she came about five times, totally draining the older vampires strength.

"Now, what were you going to say...?"

Seras panted hard, and looked over to her with a glare. "I wanted to say... that im straight."

Kay blinked serval times. "Oh... sorry."

"Dont mention it.." Seras growled while gritting her teeth, but still twitching pleaseingly.

_A/N: Finally managed to complete this chapter... I suck at writeing Hentai TT_


	3. Christmas Chaos

For Candra de Innocentia and paperclipchains.

**Christmas Chaos**

„I hate holidays." Alucard grumbled for the fifteenth time, and Seras dropped the thought of him being a lifelike Grinch by now.

He was just too scary in his plushy coat and Santa hat... not to mention the Toy guns holstered inside it.

Currently, he was wrapping presents of all sizes, useing Seras to hold the duct tape and wrapping paper in her arms.

She, however, looked much more like she always did, in a form fitting Miss Clause outfit, complete with miniskirt and highheels. But she was very annoyed of being abused this way.

„Walter, i will personally burn every mistletoe that is in my way. Understood?" it came from the top levels.

„Certainly, Herr Stellvertr... i mean, Sir Integral." The boss of the Hellsing Orginization still didnt get that she were betrayed by him, althrough she kind of liked the gay-ish tight pants.

„Walter, just what the hell are you saying all the time. Maybe you´ll get senile one of these days... Anyway, get me a chainsaw. I shall go forth and seek out a tree for celebration."

„Right, Sir.." he sighed, wondering WHO were the senile one here.

"A little closer to the wall with that... yeeess, just alittle... not THAT close, you dumb sonova...!!" Pip was giving his men directions as they covered the conference room with decorations.

"But Captain, shouldnt this be close to the wall?" the guy who had been yelled at asked.

"Yes, but it shouldnt be swallowed by it, you _**stupide chien !!**_"

"Please stop the yelling, Sir, it makes me nervous." The man who said that was currently on a large ladder, lighting candles one after one in about ten meters of height.

"Oh... sorry, Stephens, but I cant help it if im surrounded by morons."

"Like youre the one to talk." Something petite, currently wrapped in a slutty christmas costume said.

"Im not a moron, Seras, just mentally challenged, thats all." Pip grinned, trying to make a good comeback.

Seras however, sighed about it. "That one sucked, try again later. Now, id just come to see if I can help out here."

Before Pip could reply, however, a loud cry came from outside.

"**TIMBERRR**!!" An voice, easyly identified as Integra.

Alucard, who came upstairs from the dungons, carefully not to give off any good looks to the mercs, wasnt surprised. Integra liked to get the tree every year, and he was even less surprised when she came through the door with an gigantic example of a tree.

"Sir Integra, I do not believe it fits into the house." Walter warned her, but it was too late... the tip of the tree knocked over few things on a shelf.

"Walter, you take care of this. I go get this monster into the livingroom."

Six hours later, everything was in order. The tree, which had been cut down to size on the top, was standing proudly near the chimney, the whole room was decorated, thanks to Seras, who had been doing the work in less than a thirdth the time the Geese needed, and the lights on the christmas tree were the only lightsource beside the fire in the chimney... which was simply the unneeded piece of wood from the tree.

"So, what shall we sing?" Seras asked, cheerful but cludeless.

"Please spare me "Oh Christms Tree"". That was Alucards only comment.

"Well, that would be certainly unfitting." This one came from Integra.

"I have a suggestion... _Deutschland, Deutschland, über alles... ___**ACK!" **Walter was slapped across the face by Seras.

"Stop that, Nazi."

"Hey, I have an idea.." Pip raised his hand while he said that.

"Well, lets hear it then." said Integra.

Suddenly, serval members of the Wild Geese came in, quickly building up instruments such as eletric guitars and drums.

Pip, as for himself, grabs a microphone, throws off his jacket to Seras and uses the table as a stage.

The "band" begins to play, as he starts to sing.

_Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
O Lord Kumbaya  
_

Integra slaps herself on the forehead as she reconizes the lyrics... Seras however is amazed that Pip doesn´t fall as he goes up and down the "stage".

_  
For the sun that rises in the sky  
For the rythm of the falling rain  
For all life, great or small  
For all that's true, for all you do_

Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
O Lord Kumbaya  


Walter is now pouting that his song was rejected, and leaves the room as nobody looks into his direction.

_  
For one second on this world you made  
For the love that will never fade  
For a heart beating with joy  
For all that's real, for all we feel_

Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
O Lord Kumbaya  


Seras starts to sing along, more and more amazed by the defying laws of gravity, and gets the rest to do so as well.

_  
Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya  
O Lord Kumbaya  
O Lord Kumbaya, Kumbaya _

Finally, after a booming applause, Pip falls over like a drunken as he looses grip under his boots.

Seras starts to laugh a bit, Integra just grins slightly, while Alucard crackles madly, laying his head back.

"Now, onto the presents... isnt it?" Integra started as Pip was helped up again.

"The best part of Christmas. However, we are all adults, so it could be very personal... therefore I suggest we give each other´s presents in private, after the meal. Alright?"

"Fine by me. Then nobody will punish me if I laugh about what Police Girl might give me." it came from Alucard.

"Sure, why not." Pip said.

"Alright." Seras replied.

And so, after Integra forced everyone to watch the Queen wishing Britain a Merry Christmas, they all went off to get each others presents done.

Even through nobody counted the time, Alucard was the first to give off his present.. to Walter, since he was right outside the office, cleaning things.

"Hey, Angel.. I thought you´d be all happy about christmas." he grinned, knowingly what the situation was.

"Well, no, since everyone is extremely social at this holiday." Walter replied, unknowest that he gave off ANOTHER hint.

"Merry Christmas, old man." Suddenly, Alucard took out a small package and handed it to him, kissing his lips, then running off crackleing loudly.

Sweatdropping, Walter opened it, then squealed in glee as he found the perfect gift for himself... an german-english dictionary.

Still laughing, Alucard returned to the dungons, seeing Seras standing in front of his place... she didn´t have the courage to go in.

"Oh, hello Master... uhm, I just wanted to give you my present." she smiled slightly, holding out a little box with chibi-bat wrapping paper around it.

"How cute. What does it contain, little kittens?" He answered, laughing alittle more.

"NO. Master, just open it and youll see."

"Heh, fine by me."

Alucard opened the little package... to find a box full of dust. And, judgeing by the smell, really old dust. "...whats this, Police Girl?"

Seras giggled. "Someone you know, Master."

Blinking, he threw the wrapping paper across the room... and suddenly felt a wave of pure nostalgia.

"...is..is it..?" he stuttered, carefully placeing the box on his throne.

"Yes, its your most dearest bride, Mina Harker. Walter told me where to find her ashes... well, Christmas is after all the season of love, but I thought nobody.. well, loved you in this era, so... so I thought with alittle blood you might..ACK!!" Seras suddenly screamed as she was hugged by the giant man in red.

"Thank you, Police girl. I just hope I wouldve something for you, too. ... wait, now I know."

Alucard stopped squeezing the organs out of her, and took his coat off, handing it to Seras.

"Your first coat. Vampires always need a coat to be fancy and feared. Also, that might get people to stop trying to rape you all the time."

Seras sweatdropped heavyly. "Uhm, yes.. thank you, I guess..."

After Seras had walked off, it only took a few minutes for Pip to come to la big red monster.

"Heyyyyy, Cardy... Merry Christmas, old dude." Pip cheered, while Alucard almost choked on his blood wine as he heard the word "old".

"Whats that?" Alucard asked as he looked over the strange package, halfway wrapped in a plastic bag used for shopping, and halfway covered in paper.

"Well, I didnt have wrapping paperrr... " Pip scratched his head embarressedly.

"Whatever." Alucard opened the package... to see the glory he wouldve never dreamed of.

It was a brand new, deep black coat, complete with a wide brimmed hat... so, exactly the style he ususally wore, just in black.

And thats what made Alucard happy.

But just as he was about to hug Pip, he ran off, scared of the huggy Monster.

Soon after, Pip got into Integras office after a nice firm knock.

"Merrryy Christmassss, Boss! Thought id just drop by and say hi, so you wont be so loneeely all the time!" After this strange text passage, he dropped an little package on the table, and ran off quickly, leaveing the confused Integra behind.

"Well, that was weird. Lets see whats inside, then."

She opened the package... and looked down to the chibi-bat underwear with a glace.

She was about to run after the Captain, as her look fixed on the name printed on the left chest part...

It said: "Hellsing. We are on a mission from God."

Then, Integra smirked. A perfect present, with a slight perverted taste.

Finally, Pip returned to his room, where Seras already awaited him... and that slightly confused him,too.

"Migonette? Well, I didn´t expect you to be here."

Seras smiled slightly, but in fear of something. "Well, I wanted to give you my present, so I came."

"Just what I was about to do, actually. But its still inside, so.. lets get in?" he asked, opening the door a bit.

"Sure, if you insist."

Inside Pips room, he started digging into a pile of presents... seems the Captain made presents for every last one of his soldiers, Seras thought, with a smile.

"Ehhh,... Ah, here it is." Pip said, crawling out again, with a little bag. "Its not much, but I thought you might like it."

She thanked him as she took the present, opening it gently... and gasped deeply.

It was the badge of the Wild Geese, along with a little piece of paper that simply said. "Merc for life".

"An lifetime membership in our group... thats the least I could do for you saveing our asses serval times over."

Seras couldn´t believe it... he probably didnt know, but it was a deep wish of her to finally belong to a human soicity again. And he just granted this wish for her.

"So, you also have one for me, I heard?" Pip smirked over her gleefull expression.

"Uhm, yes, I do.."

"Well, I suppose this is a good time to give it to me, isnt it?"

Seras shut her eyes deeply, blushing a bit. "Dont rush me! Its not easy for me to do this!"

Pip blinked over her strange behavior. "Okay..."

Seras took a deep breath, then closed her eyes again. ".. Merry Christmas, Captain." she declared, bowing forward, kissing his lips.

He gasped a bit over the quick kiss, and he swore that he could hear an zipping sound while she did.

Then, he was allowed to see what zipped there, as she parted lips with him, her santa costume fell off her hips, the zipper on the back undone.

Serass features were covered in a red, skin friendly ribbon, a bow tie over her cleaverage.

Blushing, but giggleing, she stood before him, only dressed in this ribbon and her christmas style thigh-highs. "You asked me before what kind of fetish I would have, didnt you? Well, I believe I have an present-fetish."

Pip sweatdropped happyly. "I can see that easyly."

And thus, the two spent their evening unwrapping presents... and playing with them after they were unwrapped.

Alucard watched that mentally, suddenly wondering. "I seriously thought she was gay. Seems like I was wrong afterall.." His sentence was cut short by his Master dropping by.

"Good evening, Alucard." she said, not mentioning Chrismas.

"Good evening to you also, Master... and, as the humans say, a Merry Christmas."

"Thats why im here. I deciced to spent a bit of my budget for your entertainment." She said, takeing out a realively big parcel, all covered in pitch black paper.

"Saves me the trouble to go up to give you mine, too." he replied, letting a bigger package come forward behind his throne, with a smaller one attached to its top.

"Makes me wonder why you bother giving me a present at all. Either way, Merry Christmas, Monster."

Alucard nodded a bit, opening his present... with a suprise.

"Trivial Pursuit?" He gave her a weird look.

"Yes, that way, you can entertain yourself by playing with your alter-ego. Theres a "Vampire theme" booster pack inside, too." Integra answered, trying to open hers.

"Well, that certainly is thoughtful, thank you. And i´m guessing that youll like yours, too."

Integra´s eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. "...an Barbie Dreamhouse from 1985?"

"Indeed. The same one you wanted to have for your birthday as your dad died. I had trouble finding this one, but..."

"..." Integra was even more speechless as she unwrapped the other one, which turned out to be a custom barbie doll... it looked like her back then, in the same blue skirt and white shirt she used to wear.

"Integra Hellsing" it said on the title of the doll.

She couldnt reply anything else... she simply took both packages up to her office and shutted the door tightly there.

Alucard was very full of himself, knowing that he´d hit a weak spot, since now, the office stayed shut the entire time until the end of the christmas season.

But... didnt we forget something?

Yes, we did.

Later that night, when Alucard came back from defileing virgins on the street, he found a big, wooden box with an ribbon around it...

Inside, there was a rather large revolver, plus ammo, leaveing no question of who left it there.

"... YES, WALTERRR!"

Happy end.

A/N: I especially wrote this chapter for those who still think Seras is gay. She is NOT. Integra and Walter are ususally gay in my fandom, but here, Integra is in love with Alucard.

Just for everyone else... Seras did not enjoy the last chapter, and im not interested in yuri stories.

Also, sorry for the long wait, but this is a long, long chapter.

_Turn to the next:_ **Seras x Schrödinger for overlordraven on Livejournal!**


End file.
